Contraceptive Jelly on Toast
PHILADELPHIA, PA: A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a
popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast and got
pregnant anyway. And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's
got an excellent chance of collecting!
"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we
not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel
will prevent conception? But certain aspects of the case involve truth
in labeling and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll
make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway.
They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't
going to help our public relations any."
A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's
shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All
she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the
spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because
they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste. I can just
imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these
papers onto my bulletin board?'"
But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by
implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the
hardship the woman will have to endure.
"It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was
once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team.
"And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section.
I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a
condom. "But who has time to sit around reading directions these days
especially when you're sexually aroused? The company should call it
something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each
and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from
getting pregnant."
[Editor note: so, do the rest of you eat toast when you are sexually
aroused?!?!]
As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit.
"It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another
attorney. With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer
groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring
legal action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like
this."