Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche
Courtesy of Eric Blom. I eat quiche, but then again, I change my clothes
every day too.
- Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and
Palate-scorching Szechwan food.
- Real Programmers don't write application programs. They program right down
on the bare metal. Application programming is for dullards who can't do
systems programming.
- Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever
they get, as they are lucky to get any programs at all.
- Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
- Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't
read listing or the object code from the dump.
- Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts, look how much
good it did for them.
- Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the
hallmark of the novice and the coward.
- Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who
maintain ancient payroll programs.
- Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business
Oriented Laymen who can't run a business nor a real program.
- Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear
reactor simulation.
- Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal retentives
who can't chose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
- Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in
BASIC after reaching puberty.
- Real Programmers don't write in APL unless the whole program can be written
on one line.
- Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those other
sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with
weak memories.
- Real Programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you
throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in 'only a
few' 30-hour debugging sessions.
- Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at
9am, it's because they were up all night.
- Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a
change of clothes.
- Real Programmers disdain structered programming. Structured programming is
for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear
neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
- Real Programmers never 'write' memos on paper. They 'send' memos via MAIL.
- Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil.
They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior
planners, and other mental defectives.
- Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to 'think big'.
- Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's
Lincolns, or pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly
regarded.
- Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules.
Managers 'firm up' schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
Real Programmers ignore schedules.
- Real Programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the
microwave oven. Real Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They
can tell which jobs are running just by listening to the rate of popping.
- Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in
every Real Program. Candy-ass architects won't allow Execute instructions
to address another Execute as the target instruction.
- Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.
- Real Programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't
eat it!
- Vending machines don't sell Quiche!