My Side Trax Columns

Be sure to check out the special never-before seen Lost Article of Sidetrax!.

Such begins another series of Side Trax, a tragic example of what can happen when the wrong person is given the freedom of the press.

This also begins for many of you your first year here at our glorious university. The way I see it, you're going to be stuck here for a few years. Why not make your time here a $20,000 year-round vacation?

A few things that are frowned upon but are lots of fun anyway (not that I would now, mind you):
No severing a roommate's extremities even if they so richly deserve it
No collecting street signs the city is foolish enough to leave unattended
No sending over 200 phony names to the campus subscription people to get free magazines
No searching for the loudest noise known to man at 3:00 AM.
No removing the screens and paying "bombadier" with a big basket of water balloons
No attempts to do anything constructive without several hours of playing phone tag and filling out a mountain of paperwork that will end up on someone's desk and be ignored anyway

Disorientation begins:
All students will undergo a two-week crash course in withstanding verbal abuse in various offices around campus. Tip: Learn which offices these are and avoid them at all costs.

Remember to share the vision of being an individual as you are made to: wait in lines grouped by your last name, night after night eat the same food as everyone else, and pay a disproportionate amount of money to live in a bone white room.

Remember at all times that you're paying for this. Translation: do whatever you want - you can't be stopped.

Now that you've all had at least one year at this fine institution, you can administer yourself the "How Bitter Are You?" Test. How many can you answer "yes" too? Have you:

1. Had to track your tuition bill through three states, only to find out there was a slight $5,000 "error"? Oops...
2. Been told your 200 watt microwave would cause a brownout and the University would go broke?
3. Made obscene amounts of phone calls to the Bookstore about your computer?
4. Engaged in hand-to-hand combat with the Registrar's Office over a $2.00 library fine?
5. Fought with said librarian to wipe out the and avoid $35.00 in "retroactive" fines?
6. Participated in after-class melee for more partial credit on an exam?
7. Entered steel cage death match slap fight with UCRC over heinous parking violations?
8. Mistakenly assumed the INS Help Desk was manned by actual people and not 37 answering machines?
9. Been forced to endure roommate's two week Bon Jovi-thon?
10. Been given appointment at Health Services in two "short" weeks to treat the case of botulism from Marriott?

William C. Thompson here with the Case Western Fashion Report. Fall is here once again, and everyone is sporting their new (and not so new) apparel.

Though most people know me as not particularly superficial, one thing that occurs to me more and more is that people seem to need "fashion checkpoints". Fashion cops could be posted at various around campus - outside Thwing, one the quad (a lot on the quad), and a few at each end of campus.

These cops wouldn't necessarily have to write tickets. Their job would be to pull people aside and tactfully say something like "Did you bother to look in mirror before you left? Because it doesn't look like it. Didn't you notice that your socks and pulled up to your hips, those shorts are *way* too tight, and that hat looks ridiculous on you? Who do you think you are Indiana Jones or something?" Some people really need that.

Of course, there are two sides to every story. If you're tired of being an individual, the answer is simple. Dress just like all of your friends! It's easy. You've seen people on campus who do it every day. All you need is a fitted baseball cap, a $40 haircut with sideburns, faux soccer shoes, a pair of overpriced shorts from your favorite men's clothing catalog, and a polo shirt. However, even here there is room for individuality. You can wear a striped polo shirt or a solid color polo shirt. Born to be wild...

If choice isn't your bag, you can always pick your favorite musical group and emulate them. Most of them are known for their fashion sense after all. Sure, the baggy pants, winter cap complete with ear muffs, flannel shirt from under the couch, and scraggly facial hair look really good on you...

Patiently Wasting Away
Have you ever seen someone doing something, and it occurs to you that they have *way* too much free time? Here's a (possibly incomplete) checklist for you to test yourself:
- You can name all of the cast members of "Saved by the Bell" and say things like "Ooh, this is the one where ..."
- Your attention is immediately drawn by pseudo-technical articles with words with "Cyber" in them, like "CyberSpace", "CyberPunk", or the ever-popular "CyberSex". Here's a new one for you: "CyberCollosalWasteOfTime".
- You delight in constructing new politically correct phrases. How about "Spinally Challenged"?
- You've spent more than 15 minutes of your life playing Hackey Sack.
- You write Side Trax.

Roadblocking the Progress of Humanity
As long as I'm in whining mode, I have some tips for those of you who try so hard to make the lunch lines at Thwing longer than they already are. You're doing a pretty good job, but here are some things you may have overlooked.
- Don't bother deciding what you want while you're waiting in line for 15 minutes. Wait until up you get to the counter.
- When you do get up to the counter, make as much innane small talk as humanly possible. It's really interesting for everyone else in line.
- See how long you can talk to your friends in the most heavily travelled areas.

Earth to Freshmen One, Come in Freshmen One...
A lot of you will be asked to make a decision very soon (you know who you are). Remember to THINK before you make it. Will they turn out to be jerks after it's too late or are they genuinely nice guys? Ask around. People can give you the straight shot on them. You'll have to live with your decision - they won't.

How To Be Cool in Three Easy Steps
Trying to fit in with little or no success? The answer is simple - self-destruction! You can order my "How To Be Cool in Three Easy Steps" audio cassettes and get on the fast track to popularity. Here's a sample:

"There's plenty of opportunities for ice-breaking conversation as you're going to the bathroom for the tenth time in an hour. Become a comic genius in your own mind (personally I don't need any help with that). If you're really cool, you can drink a whole lot, puke your guts out, and let your friends tell you what a good time you had."

"If you're really into the self-destruction thing, there's always smoking. Never mind the oral fixations that come with the territory. It makes you look *really* cool. If you're a sci-fi fan, you might even like to try to get one of those metallic sounding voice boxes to replace the one you burnt out. Cool! It's also the gift that keeps on giving - your clothes and room smell long after you've stopped. Don't forget the potential to attract a member of the opposite (or otherwise) sex. 'Excuse me, I couldn't help but noticing your teeth are yellow and your breath stinks.'"

Being cool was never so easy with these tapes. Coming soon: "How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship with a Friend in Just Two Weeks".

SWM Seeks...
Hunting for a girlfriend? What I hear is that women who ride horses a lot are venting their sexual frustration, especially the bareback riders. Their upper thighs are in great shape too. I'd be hanging out at the stables if I were you.

SWM Needs Brain Transplant
Since I got SO many positive responses from last week's tip on meeting women at stables, I thought I'd drop a couple more tips.

Choose your favorite Women's Studies class. Walk in and boldly ask "Which one of you cupcakes wants to come home with me and make me dinner?" [Stand back and admire your handywork as you are flooded with responses.] If that doesn't bring you great success, you could also say something like "Whoo-weee, there are sure a lot of cuties in here." Sure-fire hit.

Okay, now that you've landed yourself a babe, you'll eventually have to "meet the folks." (As some of you know, this is a frightening experience which can make those with the strongest intestinal fortitude keep a watchful eye out for rest stops on a long trip in the car.) Naturally, I've got a solution for this. Go on the offensive! What better way to make points with your new squeeze than to scare the crap out of her parents? Here are some things that have worked for me.
- Drop subtle reminders that their daughter is away from home and there's nothing they can do about her sleeping arrangements.
- If you're staying for the weekend, ask them if they're sound sleepers.
- Talk about your dreams of becoming a carpet salesman.
- At a certain hour of the day say "Isn't there something you should be doing now" as you wink knowingly.
- Upon reaching in a conversational lull at the dinner table, ask her if she's still late.
- Pat her on the behind and refer to her as "your little filly."

Okay, maybe that last one's not such a hot idea after all.

Danger Will Robinson!
I was reading a box of Metamucil Fiber Wafers the other night. "Why?" you might ask, and a valid question that is. I was REALLY hungry. It said, "Available in two great-tasting flavors - Apple Crisp and Cinnamon Spice". This reminded me of that junk they put in your mouth at the dentist's office when you're getting your teeth cleaned. They tell you, "It tastes just like bubble gum!" as if you're some kind of idiot that would fall for that when in reality it makes you want to vomit.

Well, this particular affront to the truth was compounded even further with the statement, "They're crispy, crunchy, and taste great!" Whoa, crispy AND crunchy? So are sticks, but I wouldn't eat them. It then occurred to me that there are certain advertising catch phrases that really mean "This stuff tastes like crap, but we think you're stupid enough to fall for this." "Tastes great!" is definitely one of them; the exclamation point means it's double plus ungood. By the way, if you're ever in a restaurant and see the word "succulent" on the menu, keep reading. At least the "suck" part is right. Same deal for "scrumptuous". That has "Old people really like this because it's bland and doesn't upset your stomach" written all over it.

As long as I'm on the subject of restaurants, McDonald's has a new special offer, the "Browns McBlowIt Special". If you go up to the counter and say what jerks the Browns are, you get a free cheeseburger with any purchase.

You soul man, you
On a completely unrelated note, I have discovered the real secret to being cool. Alcohol? Smoking? Nay to both I say. It's wearing your hat backwards. A Mac Daddy you will be. Way cool...

VRCWRU
Okay, I think I've finally figured out what they're REALLY doing next to Thwing. No, it's not a swimming pool. It's not an arena where they can hold mock naval battles, although that would be much cooler than any parking garage. It's going to be a virtual reality campus simulation room, also known as VRCWRU. Each student will be assigned one of 8,000 cubicles which will be installed in that cavernous area. The student remains in that cubicle for the entire four years and emerges with a degree and a splitting headache. The degree part I can live with, and the splitting headache I already have. So far so good.

One of the main features the system will offer is the ability to configure the campus to the student's taste. It would be as simple as saying "I'd like a teaching assistant that speaks english, my own parking place, and a helpful and responsive administrative staff." Sounds like a good idea to me. The only way any of that stuff will happen is in a simulation.

Although I'm not really sure VRCWRU is necessary. As it is, virtually nothing is the way it should be, virtually no one even knows anything is wrong. Even if they did, virtually no one would care about it, and virtually nothing would be done to fix it. It's more a like a simulation of an administration. It looks like one, but it doesn't actually do anything. The administration seems to be driven by some rudimentary artificial intelligence. If a problem arises, administrator X tells the computer about it, and the computer will say "form a committee to fix it" or "tell them you're looking into it and hope they go away" if it doesn't understand the problem.

It's a brave new world here at CWRU.

"You're so lucky. I never got the chance to go to college." You may have heard someone say that before you came here. I suppose there are a lot worse places you could be, like prison. But then again...

Most prisoners get a multiple year sentence, but with prison overcrowding, the sentences are likely to decrease in length in the future. Most Case students take four to five years to graduate. This should remain pretty constant. However, tuition seems to magically disproportionately rise each year, extending our sentences well past graduation as we attempt to pay off our loans. No early degrees for good behavior, either.

Prisoners get many perks, like their own toilet and snappy bright orange uniforms with their number on it. Here at Case we often get to wait in line to use the bathroom and when was the last time you saw a really cool Case T-shirt?

More rec time! Prisoners seem to enjoy a lot of free time, with little chance of lengthening their stay by taking a little extra relaxation. If you give yourself too much free time here, you could be dooming yourself to a couple of extra semesters - I would know.

Prisoners are confined by walls everywhere they go. In almost any direction you can walk around here, you take your life into your own hands if you're not careful. Yet again, prison appears more appealing. At least in prison, the security is tighter to prevent "incidents".

In Case's defense, though, I have to say that we stand a *slightly* larger chance of getting a good job after we've done our time.

It's up to you to decide, I guess. An all-expense-paid career change is only a handgun and a convenience store away.

What in THE (pronounced "thee") Hell Are You Talking About, Boy?
So I'm thinkin' "What is Side Trax supposed to be about anyway? Is it supposed to be funny? It is supposed to be a voice of reason in these troubled times? How about just plain stupid?" Naturally, I had no answers to these difficult questions, but I could decide on a few things that Side Trax was.

ECO-FRIENDLY - Side Trax uses no chloro-flourocarbons. Nor were any animals used in the testing of Side Trax.

SPACE-EFFICIENT - Side Trax uses 24.6 inches of surface area, less than 0.0000000000002% of the surface are of the continental United States.

LANGUAGE-FRIENDLY - Side Trax translates easily into over 47 different languages, using hardly any big words.

HONEST - Side Trax makes no false pretenses about being intelligent or in the least bit polite. It's supposed to be silly. But sometimes if I put a lot of effort into it, it's silly AND offensive!

COLLEGIATE - Where else but in a college newspaper would stuff like this be printed?

Society for the Easily Amused
Take "Funniest Home Videos" or any of the 1,000 clones of it. Apparently, someone somewhere has decided that we want to see people get hit in the head with stuff, fall into the wedding cake, and the ever-popular scene where the guy gets (hit with a ball/kicked/bitten by the dog or other animal) in the crotch.

These people must exist or it wouldn't be on, would it? I can picture it now. One of the productive citizens of America is sitting at home, brewsky in hand, saying to the television [in best gruff, easily amused voices] "Hey, show me that one again where the dog bites the guy in the nuts! Dang, that was funny!"

Prostitute Awards of 1993
About this time of year I like to look back on everything American culture has provided, and I cry. I've decided to hand out the "Prostitute Awards of 1993." You get one by doing something that makes you look like an idiot for money. For example, if General Mills could get Charlton Heston to say "They're Boo-Berry-riffic", he'd be the first one to get an award.

Roy Scheider gets one for "SeaQuest".

Steven Speilberg or whoever the hell created that show gets one too.

George Foreman gets one for appearing in countless restaurant commercials, but at least he admits he's doing it and is cool about it.

Lorenzo Lamas (cro-magnon at large) or anyone else for that matter that does a "drifter convicted of a crime he didn't commit who fights for justice" action series.

Bill Cosby didn't do anything this year, but he really deserves one for all those damned Jell-O commercials, not to mention "Leonard Part 6" and "Ghost Dad."

John Ritter and Bronson Pinchot, no explanation necessary.

Just to pre-empt handing out an award, any major star that appears on the coming TV show "Babylon 5" will get one.

Who's the barber here?
Ever been to the dentist? Well, I got a tooth pulled recently. You'd think that after 400-500 years of medical science, we'd have come a little farther than latching on to your tooth with a pair of pliers and basically ripping it out. But, alas, we have not.

As he put the jaws of destruction into my mouth, he actually said, "If you hear a loud cracking sound, don't worry. That's just your tooth." Oh, good, I was afraid it was something important.

I kept waiting for him to say "Wait right here, I'll go get the leeches and we can take care of that infection."

Good God, I'm Bored
Seems like there's less and less to do around here with Winter rolling in. However, there are two gems of entertainment this weekend.

For those of you into seeing 40 year old women freak out around gooney, disgustingly muscle-bound, blonde Italians, Fabio (male model extraordinaire) will be at Great Northern Mall this Saturday from 12:00-1:00 being quite the prostitute. I know I'll be there.

The World Wresting Federation (aka WWF) is not above the controversy surrounding NAFTA. As a matter of fact, Sgt. Slaughter and Mr. Perfect will team up to form the "NAFTA Warriors" (in favor of NAFTA). They will face Andre the Giant and Jake "the Snake" Roberts (the newly-formed "Isolationists") in a steel cage death match to prove who's right. Sgt. Slaughter says "I will not rest until NAFTA passes!"

Swashbuckling Crap
Alright, I've had QUITE enough of the movie industry, seemingly devoid of anything original. "The Three Musketeers" is one of many examples. Take any old story, throw in a few popular actors and a few anachronistic phrases, and bamo! Instant movie! The least they could do is more interesting casting.

For example, they could go with the "teen idol" set and use Scott Baio, Christian Slater, and the Cassidy brothers for a much more interesting set of Musketeers. Even better is the "misfit" set with Jack Palance, David Hasselhoff, George Peppard, and Danny Bonnaducci. Throw in special cameos by Erik Estrada and Cindy Crawford in an unnecessary love- interest/singing role, and you've got something I'd actually pay $6.50 to see.

Job Hunters?
Anticipating head coach opening for a local sports team. No experience necessary. Must be willing and able to stab someone in the back without thinking twice. Interested parties should contact Art Modell at Cleveland Municipal Stadium.

Test of Ultimate Stupidity
Hmmmmm, I like the Browns. I like George Thorogood's "Bad to the Bone." The Browns are also known as the "Dogs." I see a Ford truck climbing over stuff on TV, and like a weak-minded fool I associate. I guess I must like Ford trucks too. Kinda neat how that works isn't it?

Much, Much too Far
I saw this article in the paper about a judge that used a computer program to make a decision. Even though I'm a staunch technocrat, this was genuinely frightening. Imagine a whole legal system driven by software.

"Now introducing MS Probate for Windows! More legal decision making power for your buck. No more will you need to make time-consuming decisions about who gets what after the death of a loved one. Simply tell MS Probate who's the biggest jerk in the family and let it make all your decisions for you."

"In addition to MS Probate, Microsoft also offers MS SmallClaims, MS Appellate, MS Arraignment." Microsoft is pioneering new and innovative comprehensive software solutions for all your legal needs."

Even McGruff could get into it. "And, uh, take a byte out of crime." Okay, cheap joke, I know.

Dad, I've Got That "Special Itch."
Christmas is coming. Soon the stores will be filled with shoppers, and the air will ring with suicide-inducing musak. It would be much more entertaining to hear Metallica or someone like that singing Christmas carols. AC/DC does "Little Drummer Boy." Now that's something to hear.

Send in the Dancing Women!
It has come to my attention that Side Trax has been pathetically short on nudity. Stay tuned to the last edition of Side Trax for some good old-fashioned buck-nakedness.

Turn Me Over, I'm Done
I think there are certain things you can do when you should just say, "Alright, now I know my life is officially over. No one with any kind of life would be doing this." "Like what?" you may well ask.

If you ever watched WWF on a weekend afternoon, you know who I'm talking about. Never mind the wrestlers. If you're one of the people in the audience screaming and yelling because so and so is cheating and the ref isn't looking, your life is officially over.

Take Joey Lawrence (of "Blossom" fame) as another example. His life recently ended as he presented himself as a non-jamming-white-boy-trying-to-be-hip-Color-Me-Badd-style as he sang very poorly, danced even worse, and dressed in some leather vest thing on a recent "Circus of the Stars." I figure he must have a drug problem. No amount of money is worth completely humiliating yourself like that.

Because It Feels So Good When I Stop
With all the crap that's on TV, an amazing phenomenon has emerged. Some things are just SO stupid, you have to watch them. I can't explain it, and I hope never to be able to. WWF again serves as the perfect example. No one in their right mind would watch it. It's incredibly insulting and leaves a far worse impressions on kids than the much-maligned Beavis & Butthead.

Wanna Make Something of it? Huh, do ya, Punk?
Here's some food for thought. What do buying enough lottery tickets and cigarettes to put your kid through college and rotting your brain with "America's Funniest Home Videos" instead of keeping an eye on your kids to keep them from burning down the house have in common? Think about it.

Welcome to part two of my "How to score chicks" self-help series.

Essential to the hunt is your room. Turn your room into a chick trap. If your room is dull and ordinary, stands to reason so are you, right? Well, maybe not, but humor me anyway. Step one - elaborate sleeping apparatus. Lofts are an old standby that have enjoyed much success over the years. All aboard the Love Barge... Hammocks are also excellent magnets (or so I'm told). "Ooh, can I try?" "Why, of course..."

Lots of interesting things on display in your room come in handy to talk about when you've exhausted your supply of interesting topics after ten minutes. I've even heard tale of someone keeping a toenail collection. Okay, that's probably a bad example seeing as how that's more scary than it is interesting. Forget that part.

Step three is lots of toys. Dr. Seuss books show you have discerning taste in literature. For some odd reason, yo-yo's work although I have no idea why. And if you're hunting for big game, don't forget the oozo. It's usefulness has been demonstrated time and time again by the age old mating call of the wild - "Oooh, I'm sooooo drunk." Last call for the Desperation Express...